Sanctuary

This morning, I had breakfast, at 7:30 – a first for me. Normally I skip breakfast. Today, I had an Apple Strudel Scone. It was rather tasty, had an absolutely wonderful Apple Flavor, and was rather filling.

For lunch, I ate Cheesy Homestyle Potatoes – Mashed Potatoes with Broccoli, Onions, Cheddar and Blue Cheese. They were simply out of this world. I’m not a big fan of Blue Cheese, but it’s application here, was outstanding.

For dinner, I had Meatloaf, with Mashed Potatoes and Tomato Sauce. I’m just going to go on record to say – MEATLOAF IS AMAZING. It’s one of my all-time favorite foods. Pair it with Mashed Potatoes, and it’s perfect. It was so filling, and tasty, I felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

I ended my day by having a Chocolate Caramel Bar, and it was really outstanding. Such a smooth taste, and nice crunchy texture.

I’ve had 4 bottles of water today. Something I’ve NEVER done before.

On a physical level, I feel so refreshed, and energized, it’s so unbelievably nice. I haven’y yawned once today, due to being sleepy. I haven’t wanted to take a nap, I’ve been active.

On an emotional level, I’m scared, nervous, excited, elated, refreshed, relieved, over-joyed… So many different emotions. I’m so proud of myself, for *finally* attempting to lose weight, with a serious attitude. Nutri-System is helping me change my life, and for that, I’m so thankful. I’m thankful I’ve found the Strength to do this, to lose weight. It’s going to be a long journey – I have over 100 pounds to lose. However, I know that this is going to be so good for me.

I’d like to ask for the continued support of all of my friends during this time of my life. I appreciate it.

Thank you guys, so much, for being here for me.

Well, I’m pleased to state that I’ll be starting my diet tomorrow morning. I’ve chosen to use the Nutri-System diet.

Every meal I’ll eat, is already provided for me, 28 days at a time.

All I have to do, is prepare the meal, either by microwaving it, or just by opening the package.

Some foods, need to be supplemented by other foods, such as sandwiches that need Whole Grain buns / bread for.

I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve got over 100 pounds of weight to lose, so, it’s gonna be hard, but SO rewarding in the end.

Wish me luck!

As many of you know, I suffer from depression. I never say I live with depression, because I don’t. I choose to remain un-medicated, due to the fact that I don’t like how the anti-depressants make me feel. I don’t like that I can’t feel emotions while taking them, therefore, I don’t take them.

This causes many issues, as I’m constantly in a flux of changing emotions. One day I’m up and happy, the next I’m down and depressed.

This post is being brought on by the fact that for one, I just got done watching Mrs. Doubtfire… In it, Robin William’s Character eventually gets Supervised Visitations with his children. It’s little things like this, now that I’m a Mom, that touch me differently then when I wasn’t a parent. Robin Williams ends up portraying the role of Mrs. Doubtfire, a 60 year old English woman, just to spend time with his three children, more then the few hours on Saturday he was allowed with them.

There isn’t a thing in the world, that I would not do for Gabe… Nothing.

Now, to the true point of this post…

People in my life, granted yes, they know I’m a new Mom, and that John is a new father… However, I already feel like a failure of a mother for bringing Gabe into the world 9 weeks early… Isn’t that enough for people? Must they constantly criticize my parenting, to my face? Behind my back? Can’t they see that I constantly, and I’m not talking about once or twice a week, I’m talking about everyday, several times a day, I look at Gabe, and blame myself for how small he is… Every time he coughs, or chokes a little because he chugged down a bottle, I blame myself.

Is it not enough for you people, that my pregnancy was hell? I feel HORRIBLE for all of this… I feel like I’ve done something wrong, and I can’t ever fix it…. I DIDN’T WANT Gabe to get here as early as he did…. Believe me, I wanted to ignore the pain, the headaches, the blurred vision… I wanted everything to be ok, but it wasn’t. It got to the point that it could have killed me, and all anyone can do is criticize my parenting… They can’t wish Gabe well, or complement me on how well he’s doing NOW, they all look at the NEGATIVE…. Why, for fuck’s sake, can’t anyone look at the POSITIVE?

Macarser’s mother CONSTANTLY complains about the fact that she never gets to see Gabe’s eyes… That’s not my fault that she won’t bother to come into town to come see her grandson, that she so profusely claimed as hers. She wouldn’t bat an eye at telling someone that I was pregnant with her first grandson, yet, now that he’s here, She’s seen him all of…. 10 times? She couldn’t hesitate to brag about him, and everything, yet she can’t be bothered to come into town on a weekend to come spend time with him?

I’m tired of this, I’m tired of people playing me like I’m some kind of toy.

She said Sunday, while at lunch, that Gabe doesn’t know who she is… That’s not my god damned fault. YOU have the means, the motive, and the opportunity to come see him. I am the mother, you are the Grand-mother, you work around MY schedule, and the Baby’s schedule, not the other way around. Stop, for the love of fucking ducks, complaining that you “NEVER” get to see him… If anyone NEVER gets to see him, it’s my FAMILY! They have a right to see him, just as much as you do. YOU can at least come over and see him on a regular basis… My family, Gabe’s OTHER Grandparents, live ELEVEN AND A HALF HOURS AWAY…. My father, Gabe’s Grandfather… HAS NEVER seen his Grandson… YOU HAVE. STOP fucking saying that you never get to see him. You need to stop taking what you have, for granted. You need to appreciate the fact that you get to have a relationship with your Grandson, my parents, they can’t. As the only way they’re currently able to see Gabe is through pictures…

Are you even able of comprehending how much that hurts my family? Or are you that selfish that you don’t give a flying rat’s fuck about anyone other than yourself?

Alrighty ladies and gents:

It’s now Monday, and lemme fill ya in on the events of the weekend! Saturday I managed to over-come my fear of needles and get my very first tattoo. I’m rather pleased with it, and I had a rather enjoyable experience. Thanks to Strawberry at Phantasy Tattoo =D Needless to say, I’ll be going back there for my subsequent tattoos.

I also saw the newest Harry Potter movie, and I must say… It was rather sad. I liked how dark, and eerie this movie was, as the Book (Half-Blood Prince) is a VERY dark, and eerie book. HP5, HP6, and HP7 are by far, the three darkest books in the series. I can’t wait to see the two Deathly Hallows movies, as I’m very interested to see how they finish the movies =D

So, Macarser’s Dad dropped off a taller ladder yesterday, which will allow me to reach the cracks that are high up on one of the walls of our living room, so that I can patch and repair them, and then paint the room. Needless to say, I’m excited!

Saturday, I will most likely be getting my first tattoo, and I’m super excited about that! It will be of the “Power of Three” symbol from Charmed. I’m a huge fan of the show, and the symbol represents Life, Death, and Rebirth, so it’s rather fitting. It’ll be on the inside of my right wrist.

Saturday will also be the first”Date Day” I’ll have gotten to spend with my Husband since our little one, Gabriel came home.

So, I’m really looking forward to Saturday.

Laying in bed, using my PSP to write this.

Long story short… insomnia sucks.

So, it’s been a while since I’ve posted.

Macarser and I are in the process of re-doing the house. Debating on what type/style/design of things we want.

I’m very into Native American, and Japanese / Oriental styles, and well, he’s into whatever, so long as the house gets decorated.

I like the idea of Feng Shui, so I think I might be working that into some of the stylings, not sure yet.

I know that I want to paint the Living Room, Dining Room, and Office Area. I also want to place some curtains over the Office Windows, which I’ll probably make myself, and I’d really like to place two curtain partition type things in the Hallway that opens into the rest of the house, and in the little space that divides the Kitchen from the Dining Room.

On a side note, I’m thinking of doing something like… selling Avon from the house, just for some extra money, that is purely mine, so I could start saving back for things that I want.

Anyways, sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted, been a busy little body lately.

A Newborn’s Conversation with God

A baby asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow,
but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?”

God said, “Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.”

The child further inquired, “But tell me, here in heaven I don’t have
to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.”

God said, “Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.
And you will feel your angel’s love and be very happy.”

Again the small child asked, “And how am I going to be able to understand
when people talk to me if I don’t know the language?”

God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words
you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will
teach you how to speak.”

“And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?”

God said, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach
you how to pray.”

“Who will protect me?”

God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life..”

“But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.”

God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach
you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.”

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth
could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, “God, if I am to leave
now, please tell me my angel’s name.”

God said, You will simply call her, “Mom.”

As many of you know, I recently became a mother. A friend of mine, just went through something very sad. A friend of hers, ended up getting pregnant with her first child, and gave birth at 26 weeks. The little one succumbed to the fight, and left this world, just 3 days after entering it. Reading her story, brought back the all too familiar pain of what I went through to bring my son into this world. This is my story, and now it’s time for me to share.

On September 9th, 2008, I found out that I was pregnant. At first, I was terrified, I wasn’t sure I could bring a baby into the world. Then, with time, that faded, and I was ecstatic. My husband and I rejoiced, we were having a baby.

My medical care during this pregnancy wasn’t the best, as we got pregnant before we got married, so I had no insurance. In February of 2009, we got to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the first time. The muffled thumping of such a tiny heart, completely relaxed me. It was in that moment that I realized that this wasn’t a dream, there was actually life inside of me. It was 4 days later, that we found out we were having a boy, to be named Gabriel, after the Archangel, and James because I couldn’t decide on a middle name that went with Gabriel, and Clements really well.

From that moment on, my pregnancy turned for the worse. I started getting all sorts of colds, and viruses, kept having issues with my mother-in-law treating me badly… So on an emotional, and physical level, my pregnancy had taken a turn for the worse. I went through a span of about 5 days, where I couldn’t keep anything on my stomach at all, not even water. It hur to eat, hurt to move, hurt to breathe. I finally hit the breaking point when I couldn’t sleep because of how much pain I was in, so we went to the hospital, and there I found out that I had a kidney infection of some sort. I ended up staying in Methodist Hospital for 4 days, while they treated me. My White Cell count, was apparently around 30,000 when I came in, the normal being 11,000. So they knew there was an infection somewhere. They started me on rapid IV anti-biotics, to kill off the infection, and started giving me all sorts of medicines to combat my nausea, and other symptoms.

The treatment worked, and I had to take a broad Anti-biotic for 2 weeks after I was discharged, but the infection was gone. I was happy, I was no longer in pain. I remember this well, as I was begging my doctor to let me be discharged on Thursday, as my husband had purchased tickets to see David Copperfield while he was in town, and dammit, I wanted to go, lol. I got my wish, and was discharged that morning, *yay* so I got to go see the best show I’ve ever been to. It was painful, as I was still rather stiff, and sore, from the lasting effects of the infection, but it was worth it, to be able to sit there, and truly enjoy a night out with my husband.

It was about 2 weeks later, I was supposed to go in for a follow up exam, that I realized I had very bad swelling from my stomach down. It started concerning me, and we called my doctor, whom advised me to start drinking a lot more water… I swear to god, I felt like a fish with how much water I was drinking… and the swelling didn’t get better… at all… My normal OB/GYN was on Sabbatical for a month, and I was not amused with her replacement, as she didn’t even bother to look at the swelling, as a clerical error had been made, that basically said I weighed 250+ when I originally came into the office, and that currently, at this appointment, I weighed 250+… I had not. I was now five months pregnant, and if I hadn’t gained weight at all during the pregnancy, there would be a major issue. I weighed 190 when I first came in to the office… the 250 was after the Kidney Infection, and the swelling.

It was a few weeks after that, that I started developing headaches, and blurred vision… We were out shopping for things for the baby’s room, and Macarser’s mother was just over-all being rude to me. I was exhausted, I’d been on my feet all day, and when I came home, she started to organize the baby’s room… Without asking me… at all. She bought things for his bathroom, without asking me, and completely re-arranged the way his room looked, without asking me, or my husband… and that royally pissed me off… Your child’s room, is supposed to be a shared thing to work on, by you and your significant other… Not something a grand parent can take from you… I was so immensly hurt that she did this… I didn’t know what to do, except start venting on Facebook.

It was a few weeks after this event, that the headaches, and blurred vision got much worse… I awoke on March 12th, 2009, to being able to only see about an inch in front of my face, from how bad my vision was blurred. I had to very slowly get on my laptop, and pull up Yahoo! Messenger so that I could get the phone number from my husband, for my doctor, as I couldn’t read the card, and even then, it took me a few tries to dial the number, as again, I couldn’t read the numbers on the touch pad.

I got ahold of them, and they were very distressed by what was wrong with me, they demanded to see me 30 minutes ago, when I called, so I called my husband, and let him know to come get me… We got there, slowly, as I threw up on the way from the pain, and the blurred vision, and I couldn’t walk really well, so Macarser had to walk with me, holding me. They took my blood pressure, and all the nurse said was “You have high blood pressure.” She walked me into the room, and ordered my husband not to let me fall, as I was really off balance from the whole “I can’t see more then an inch in front of my face.” issue. The doctor came in, and asked me how I was doing it… How I was upright and conscious when my blood pressure was 140/120.

The doctor then told me that I was going to the hospital, and that Methodist already had a room waiting for me. We left, and drove the three blocks to the hospital, where there, they got me changed into a gown, and politely told me, that I’d be staying for at least this day, while they ran tests. They hooked me up to the fetal monitor, and found the little one’s heartbeat, still going strong.

The nurses left, I unhooked myself from the monitor to go to the restroom…

I made it to the end of my bed, and started looking at my left hand really weird, and then fainted. I came too, around 20 minutes later, now in bed, in pain, with all sorts of tubes hooked up to me, and my husband no where in sight, while surrounded by all these strange faces, and people. Apparently, my blood pressure hit so high, that it caused me to faint, and have a seizure. I was now on IV Magnesium Sulfate, to keep me from seizing again. A surgeon came in, and told me that the baby looked fine, he was doing well, and that I’d be on hospital bed rest until it was time for me to deliver, which would be in 9 weeks, or we’d have the baby as soon as we needed to.

If my symptoms of a headache, and blurred vision came back, the only way to fix what was slowly killing me, was to take the baby out. As being pregnant was what was making me so sick. I had never been more scared in my life, then I had when the surgeon told me that at 31 weeks, I’d be having my son.

The surgeon left, and at 4 that afternoon, the symptoms came back, the nurse came in, and started prepping me for surgery. That night, at 7:24 p.m. Gabriel James Clements was welcomed into this world.

I was scared at first, because I didn’t hear him cry when they first took him out. In those few seconds, between when I actually “gave birth” (as I had a c-section), and when they suctioned out his nose and mouth, ticked by like days. I finally heard his first cry… was so… sad… so tiny, and little… so helpless sounding, and high pitched.

The got him cleaned up, and rushed him down to the NICU, where he proceeded to stay for 50 days. Fifty long, excruciating days ticked by… so slowly, while I waited for them to tell me that my son could come home to me. His original due date, was supposed to be May 15th, just a few days before his Daddy’s birthday. This was the date that I’d been given by the doctor’s on when to expect him home by.

Every night, we’d go to the hospital, to see him, to fight for him… To encourage him to grow, and be strong…

Not a day goes by, that I don’tthank God for giving me one of the kindest, most loving children in the world, as I truly feel that it was my son’s choice to come so early, because he knew… He knew that he was making me sick, and that he wanted me to be okay, so he chose to do something that would make me sick enough that the Doctors would have to fix it, by delivering him.

On April 30th, 2009, we got the call… That special, oh so wonderful call saying that you finally get to stop driving to a hospital to see your son… You get to take him home when you leave this time… I cried. I couldn’t contain myself… I was so thrilled at being able to finally be a proper Mom to my little man.

Not a day goes by, that I look into his eyes, (the little one got so lucky, and got my beautiful eye color) and thank him, for not only saving my life, but for giving me the chance to save his.

Macarser’s birthday was a little over a month ago… Back in May, and I bought him, some things that I thought were really nice…

I got him a couple of new books, a journal, and a moleskin book, so he can always write stuff.

That was a month ago, and the Journal I bought him, is still sitting in the exact same place he placed it, collecting dust… The Moleskin is on the bottom shelf of his nightstand, out of sight, also collecting dust…

*sighs*

Yet another failure chalked up on my Slateboard of Life.

Continuing on -

I’ve now since been told that I’m a bad healer, been told I over-heal too much, and been alloted as a Raid Healer on my Paladin… If any of you don’t know, I’m a single-target healer… I can’t Heal multiple people at once, like a Shaman, or a Priest can… It’s an insult to ask a Paladin to raid heal, as we can’t do anything but struggle with it… miserably… Especially in a situation where a lot of raid damage is taken, because we just can’t heal more then one person at a time.

New Subject -

I will eventually be posting a blog about my son, Gabriel, and what I went through to bring him into the world. A friend recently had a friend of her’s go through a very similar situation to mine, however, the friend was unlucky, and her little one succumbed to the fight. I’d like people to know what I went through, to bring my son into the world, and why he truly is a gift from God.

Back when I was in High School, I used to doodle out designs for clothing and things, based off ideas I’d get from reading books… I think now, 6 years later, is the time to actually get those thoughts in process, and start creating the items I used to doodle. I’ll get started this weekend, or so, and start getting picture of items I’ve created, or are going to create up.

I am also currently in the process of designing my first tattoo. As many of you, my loyal readers know, I play World of Warcraft. A long time ago, when I first read the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind, one phrase… one lone phrase really hit me hard…

“We all can be only who we are, no more, no less.”

Throughout all my 21 years of life… I have always been one role, one person that people could rely upon… The healer, so to speak. If people fell, I was there to catch them, there to comfort, and guide them back. For these reasons, I am getting my first tattoo of: the Spirit of Redemption from WoW. The said Spirit, is the form that Holy Priests take on, when they die. Granted, I’m a Paladin, but, Holy Priests, are still healers… This form, is also the Angel that guides you back to your body if you die while questing, or something. So, I will have her on my back, with a banner beneath it, bearing the text of “We all can be only who we are, no more, no less.” on it.